From: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com (Buffyfic-digest) To: buffyfic-digest@lists.xmission.com Subject: Buffyfic-digest V2 #24 Reply-To: buffyfic@xmission.com Sender: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Errors-To: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Precedence: bulk Buffyfic-digest Sunday, February 1 1998 Volume 02 : Number 024 In this issue: BUFFYFIC: I Will Survive 2/3 BUFFYFIC: I Will Survive 3/3 See the end of the digest for information on subscribing to the buffyfic or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 1 Feb 1998 06:38:37 EST From: TreyCash@aol.com Subject: BUFFYFIC: I Will Survive 2/3 Title: I Will Survive 2/3 By: Alex Queirolo Genre: Typical Buffy/ Angst Spoilers: Surprises & Innocence Distribution:Anya's and mine. Eventually. Mine is: http://members.aol.com/treycash/ff3.html Feedback: Yes, please! Summary: Buffy deals with the fact that Angel plans to destroy her mind before he kills her. AUTHOR's NOTE: This takes place after "Phases" but relates to "Suprise" and "Innocence". It steps outside of the time-stream after that in a desperate attempt to save itelf from getting "Jossed" by the next upcoming episode. God save us all. ADDITIONAL NOTES: The Joshua I make reference to is of the Watchers' Society. He was in my previous piece "Where Do the Children Play" and has a more active part as a Guardian in another that I am working on. His job is to ensure that time and life don't mess with the Slayer too badly and to make sure that some punches go her way. He has the ability to alter time and change the past and future. DISCLAIMER: Time to jump on the band-wagon. All the great characters seen on BUFFY belong to Joss "Da Man" Whedon. Any you've never seen on the show belong to me. I wouldn't dream of infringing on Joss. *** "Last thing I remember I was running for the door had to find the passage back to the place I was before 'Relax,' said the nightman 'We are programmed to receive You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave" She jerked forward in her bed, her eyes staring forward, glazed and frightened. She wrapped her arms around herself and tried to control the tremors. The darkness of her room folded itself around her but it wasn't comforting. "Buffy?" Her thoughts jumbled in circles. She recognized the voice and knew that it belonged to a friend, but her body reacted instantly upon being touched by the speaker and she shoved Willow to the ground and jumping from her bed, leapt on her friend, fist raised. "No more!" "Buffy...Buffy...it's me," Willow cried. Buffy blinked and her attack posture eased a bit allowing Will to reach up and pull down Buffy's fist. "It's okay, it was a dream. Nothing more. See." She put her other hand up and turned Buffy's cheek towards the window that was still shut and locked. "He hasn't been here. It's okay." Buffy nodded and moved away from Willow. She fell to the ground and again wrapped her arms around herself. "It was so real, Will. He's in my head. He's everywhere in me. I try but I can't stop thinking about him." Willow gave her a sympathetic smile, "Tell me." She put a hand on her friend's shoulder. Buffy nodded but didn't look up,"It was..I mean we were..it was Angel and I and we were at his apartment..it was that night and it was him and me and then everything went dark and it was him the next day and then there was this bright light and Angel walked towards me. He held my hand and told me he loved me and that it would be okay and that I needed to stay strong." She looked up at Willow with tears gleaming in her eyes and with a breaking voice said,"And then Angelus came out of the shadows and killed him. He said that he would kill all of you one by one and then he'd make me like him. Oh God..." "Sh..it was a dream. Nothing more. You haven't slept well in awhile..your mind is playing games with you..working off of your fears." Willow told her softly. And to her suprise, it earned her a smile from the Slayer who then laughed, "Freud much, Will? Great, now I'm a mental case?" "Weren't you always?" Willow teased gently. Buffy moved across and tackled Willow, hitting her with a pillow. There was a brief fight and then Buffy groaned as her ribs said it was time to quit. Willow checked her out to make sure she was okay and then they both settled on the floor with their backs to the bed. There was a long moment of silence and then Buffy whispered,"You're a good friend, Will. You know that right? I won't let you down." Willow smiled,"I know you won't, Buffy. You never have." "Well I know that you're in love with him Cuz I saw you dancin' in the gym You both kicked off your shoes And I dig those rythimic blues" "Hey, did you hear?" Harmony asked as she and her man of the week Colt Harper walked up next to Cordelia at her locker. Harmony moved next to Cordy as if they were sharing a deep secret. "Hear what?" Cordelia asked, frowning as she tried to remember what book she needed for her next class. The night before had been long and rather draining in an emotional way. "Buffy not only totally freaked out in physiology yesterday but this morning she flipped Kevin Willis in the gym." Harmony said, her tone making her sound like she couldn't believe it. "Buffy doesn't have gym until 4th period and I was there for the thing in physio. She fell asleep and had a bad dream is all," Cordelia replied, not looking at Harmony. A part of her wanted to defend Buffy more strongly but the other part knew that her status quo and reputation were already in extreme jeopardy. "Well she was in the gym last period and Kevin just touched her..I mean barely and she totally tripped out. Aura heard that she's on LSD. I mean, like, no doubt." "She's not on LSD," Cordelia said tersely, shutting her locker. She straightened up and looked at Harmony. "You can't believe everything you hear. Maybe she's just going through a hard time." "Uh huh, for sure...when did you become her biggest fan? I mean, hello? She's crazed...remember? You said that and you were so right." Harmony said, looking at Colt and nodding. Then she looked down the hallway, "I mean..just look at her..she looks like something that crawled out of the sub-low tax bracket." Cordelia followed Harmonys' gaze to where Buffy was leaning against her locker about thirty feet away. Willow was standing next to her and it looked like she was doing all the talking. Well, Harmony was right in one aspect; the Slayer didn't look exactly peachy-keen. "Excuse me," Cordelia murmured as she started to break away from them. Colt caught her arm. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Colt asked, shaking his head, "I mean, I know you're getting it on with one of her weirdo friends but you're acting so strange." Harmony nodded solemnly,"This isn't you." "Maybe it is," she muttered as she strode across the hallway to Buffy and Willow. Harmony turned to Colt, "I just don't get it." Then she sighed, "Come on, let's go meet the gang.' Cordelia turned and watched Harmony and Colt depart and then she turned back to her new friends. "What's up?" she asked as casually as she could. She did a quick inspection of Buffy who looked not only tired but a bit wild. Her blonde hair, though clean and shiny, jutted out at odd angles and her blue eyes seemed slightly glazed. "Buffy had an incident in the gym," Willow informed her. Buffy looked up at her and offered an almost apologetic smile. "He touched my neck and I wigged. I guess I'm a little jumpy," Buffy said with a laugh. She was trying to make light of it but the other two knew better. She was just as bothered by her lack of control as they were. "I know, Harmony just told me. What were you doing in the gym?" Cordelia asked. "I went to tell McCathers that I wouldn't be there for class today." She frowned, "My mom is making me go to the doctor..she thinks I'm sick. Just what I need. By tonight I'll be in a damn straight-jacket." "Well, physically you're alright..right?" Cordelia asked. She glanced up when she saw Xander and Oz walking down the hall towards them. They seemed to be deep in discussion. "Yeah, my ribs are still a little sore but no use telling him that. Then there are questions followed by psychiatrists followed by little white padded rooms." She looked up at their curious looks, "So I've heard.. that is. Nah, I'll just say I'm fine...just tired from school. He'll tell me to rest and that'll satisfy my mom who will then procede to cut me a bit of slack for about a week..two at most. Xand..Oz..heya!" Xander and Oz looked up and almost instantly both of their faces lit up. Oz crossed over to Willow and gave her a quick peck that made her beam. Buffy couldn't help but smile. Xander grinned at Cordelia but neither of them were that big on public displays of affection. Especially her..she still had something of a reputation to uphold. For whatever that was worth. "Ladies...how are we?" Xander chirped. Willow smiled back at him,"Buffy flipped Kevin Willis." Xander lifted an eyebrow,"Buffy, what did we tell you, no playing with your food. Animals like Willis should get the stake..quick and simple." "Not funny, Xander." Cordelia said. Then she turned to Buffy, "This could be serious. People are saying you're on LSD." "Like that's news. It's actually a better answer than the truth. I can just see me explaining this. So Buffy, why are you acting like such a head-case? Oh..maybe it's because my first time was with a vampire and because of it he lost his soul and now he wants to torture me and I can't stop him because I still love him. Yeah, that'll work. They're coming to take me away, he he." "Well if you wanna look at the bright side," Xander said shaking his head. Then he waved his hand. "Screw 'em, Buff. They don't know any better and they don't matter." "Don't they? Think about it..Snyder's already got it out for me. He doesn't need much more. God...I feel like I've been so crazed lately, but it's like I can't get a grip. I keep trying and I feel like I'm making progress but then he does something and it all spins out again." "Buffy?" A voice called out from the hallway. The entire group looked up and saw Giles approaching. "Oh great," she muttered, "This is so not what I need. Hey guys, cover me." And with that she turned and faded into the sea of students heading to their next class. The Slayerettes all exchanged confused gazes and then moved quickly to fill in the space Buffy had vacated. "Hey G-Man." Xander called out. "Top of the morning to you." Giles gave him a look and then said, "Um, yes, right. Have you seen Buffy? I could have sworn I just saw her." "Saw Buffy?" Willow chirped. Cordelia put a hand over her eyes and shook her head. So much for playing stupid. "Uh no..we haven't seen her..Buffy that is. We're Buffy-less as you can see. No Buffy." Cordelia quickly reached out and covered her mouth, "What she means to say...at least I think so...is that Buffy has gone to class already. We'll tell her that you're looking for her, okay?" "Um, right..uh, thank you. When you see her, tell her to try to avoid Principal Snyder. He's looking for her...something about an incident in the gym this morning. Do any of you know anything about that?" A kid walking by stopped and leaned in, "You're talking about Summers, right? Major LSD freak. Isn't that cool?" And with that he walked away, talking to his companions. Xander glared after the kid, "I oughta..." "You oughta nothing. Chances are that Snyder is not only looking for Buffy but for all of you. He already sees you as her accomplices. It's best to be on your best behavior for now." "Well that sucks," Oz muttered. A bell rung behind them. "So does that mean we have to go to every class?" "Hey, I was just gonna ask that." Xander exclaimed. "Oh that's scary, two minds with the same thought and one of them Xander's." Cordelia teased. He gave her a look but all she did was grin back at him. "If we get to see tommorow I hope it's worth all the pain." "I thought you'd show up eventually," she said softly, not lifting her eyes to look at him. "Oh?" he questioned, laughter in his voice. The game had already begun anew. "You can't resist a chance to hurt me. I knew you'd show." "You're smarter than I gave you credit for, kiddo. Well maybe not, you came alone. That's not very bright." "I'm not going to bring them to you, Angel." She looked up at him. "I want to know what you want from me. How much you plan on taking from me?" Unwanted tears glittered in her eyes so she closed them to push the tears back..she had to stay strong. Had to. He laughed, "You really want me to spell it out, Buffy? You really want that? Because I have no problem with it. You want to know that I plan to kill them all...one by one. And maybe I'll make Willow a vampire. I mean, Spike kinda allowed the Judge to kill the only other one with brains so we could use some intelligence." "Leave her alone." "Oh yeah, that's likely. Come on, Buffy..you've got to realize that this is all your fault. Their lives are on your shoulders and each time I drain the blood out of them, their dying word will be your name. You've got to know that." "I will kill you." "No, you won't. You don't have it in you. You've got this whole love thing happening. Like I ever loved you. You were a challenge, Slayer. Not much of one albeit but a fun one." "I won't let you do this." "Theresa..she was sweet. Not as sweet as you..." Buffy jumped to her feet, grabbed him by the collar and smashed him up against a tree. "You're right, Angel..I love you. I love you so much it makes me want to die but if you hurt any of them, I will destroy you." Her eyes blazed fire and for the sheerest of moments, she thought that she could acutually do it. His eyes softened and for a moment she saw her Angel. And then he growled and flipped her to the ground and stradled her. "Your promises are weak. If you killed me, you'd be killing yourself." She turned her face away from him,"Then the results are the same. Why don't you just do it now. No games." He growled at her and pulled her up by the shirt,"Because that's not how it goes. When I'm ready to kill you, I will." "Or maybe you can't. Maybe there's still part of my Angel in there," she said softly, vaguely aware of the fact that she was taunting him and he was getting angrier. "No," he howled, his fist flying against her already sore ribs. She grunted in pain but refused to look away from him. Trembling slightly, she reached up and touched his face. He flinched backwards and caught her hand, twisting her wrist so hard that she was certain he'd broken it. "You want the truth, Buffy? Alright, we're both here..that little coward Angel and me. Except we're both Angel and we both agree that you were a sweet treat. A lot of fun but you'll be funner when we make you like Dru." "I'll never let you do that," she said with a certainty that she knew was false. She couldn't let him think he was winning..even if it was true. She needed to have some type of platform to fight from..even if it was flimsy. He smashed her up against the ground and laughed as she struggled underneath him. She was strong but he had managed to pin her leverage points. He curled his legs around hers and forced her to quit moving and then he pressed his mouth up against hers and whispered, "You're mine, Buffy. You always will be." "I was never yours, Angelus." Buffy retorted, falling back on the mentality of a separation between Angel and Angelus. It was all she had left to maintain her sanity. "Oh yes, you are." He kissed her hard, his sharp teeth cutting through her lip and causing it to bleed. She struggled as she felt him suck the blood from her lip. "You're turning me on," he whispered. A moment later he howled in pain when she bit him. Lurching backwards he lashed out and hit her across the face. "Bitch!" She used his positioning to unpin her legs and then to shove him off of her. Moving her hand up to her lip, she dabbed at it and then touched the cut that he had caused on her cheek from hitting her with the hand that was wearing the Claddagh ring. How ironic. Another way to hurt her, no doubt. She took a few clumsy steps backwards, still watching him kneeling on the ground. He looked up at her and his face changed from his vampiric visage to his human one. "You can say it all you want, Buffy but you know the truth..I'm going to take your soul...but first I'm gonna take theirs." He laughed then, "With a song in my heart." Her eyes narrowed, "And I'll say it again, if you hurt any of them, I won't think twice about killing you." She closed her eyes, "I love you, Angel and if you want me, that's one thing but keep it between us." Angel laughed again. Cruel and dark. "Keep praying, Slayer. It's all you've got left. And keep looking behind your shoulder because babe, I'm right there." And with that he was on his feet, walking away from her. Again. As soon as he was gone, she collapsed to the dirt and cried. "And they say that he got crazy once and he tried to touch the sun and he lost a friend but kept his memory" She sat on her back porch staring up at the sky. The stars glittered brightly above her but they gave her little comfort. The darkness now meant loneliness without reprieve. Her greatest love was now her worst enemy. "Hey, Buff..I figured you'd be out here," Xander murmured, stepping away from the screen-door and moving to sit next to her. He slung an arm around her and pulled her against him. She smiled up at him weakly but said nothing. For a long moment they sat in silence and then he saw the cut on both her lip and cheek. The one on her cheek also had a darkening bruise around it. "You're hurt." "I met up with Angel. We had a talk," Buffy replied dully. She glanced down at her wrist which although unbroken sure did feel like it was. "Are you okay?" Xander asked although he knew it was a stupid question. For a moment she said nothing and then finally she looked up at him,"He's gonna take everything from me." "We won't let him," Xander vowed, turning her so that she was looking at him. She shook her head, "We can't stop him. I can't stop him. And he won't kill me until he's destroyed me." Buffy laughed but it sounded strange, strangled. "He could have, Xander. He had every opportunity but he was just playing. It's all a game. One we're gonna lose." "We're not. He's not Angel, Buffy. He can't defeat you if you realize that. He's Angelus. He's who he was before he loved you." "But he is who I love." She threw up her hands. "God, why didn't I listen. When I first found out that he was a vampire, you told me that I had a duty..I should have done it then. I should have walked away then..now I can't." "Buffy..." She turned to Xander, "You guys have given me nothing but friendship and support and this is what I have to offer you..certain death and pain because I can't..I can't..." "Buffy...we're here for you. We'll get through this. I'm here for you." She pushed herself away from his shoulder and looked up into his dark eyes, "You always have been," she murmured. She laughed bitterly. "You were always there for me no matter what..you brought me back after I hurt you...you've backed me up after all the times..oh God.." "It's okay, Buff...that's who I am..your Xander shaped friend." He smiled down at her and then leaned over and kissed her forehead. In that moment something snapped in Buffy and she wasn't able to stop herself from moving her mouth upwards towards his and kissing him. He let out a small moan and then accepted the passionate embrace. It was what he'd always wanted, wasn't it? And then, just like that, he broke away. "Buffy, we can't do this," Xander breathed, only half-believing that it was he that wanted to stop the kiss. She stumbled to her feet and nearly tripped over a chair sitting on the porch. "Oh God, I'm sorry..I...I'm sorry..." She moved backwards and then turned and fled into the house and towards her room. "Buffy!" Xander called after her. He started to move after her but hadn't taken more than a few steps before he collided with a solid form. "Cordy!" he gasped, wide-eyed. He opened his mouth to explain but then shook his head, "It's not what you probably think..." Cordelia stared back at him with sadness in her eyes. "I don't know what I'm thinking, Xander." She sighed. "Go to her. We'll talk about this later." She'd seen the whole conversation and she thought she understood why it'd happened but that only partly eased the pain. However, now was not the time. He regarded her somber face for a moment and then nodded and raced up the stairs towards Buffy's bedroom, calling her name. A moment later, he came back down the stairs, fear and concern on his face. "She's gone." "What?" Cordelia exclaimed. "She just went up there." "Well she's not there anymore and it looks like while she was there, she had a fit." "Huh?" Xander grabbed her arm and pulled her upstairs and into Buffy's room. Sure enough, it'd been trashed and the picture of the Xander, Willow and Buffy lay shattered on the ground. "She's snapped." Cordelia whispered. - - ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Feb 1998 06:43:09 EST From: TreyCash@aol.com Subject: BUFFYFIC: I Will Survive 3/3 Title: I Will Survive 3/3 By: Alex Queirolo Genre: Typical Buffy/ Angst Spoilers: Surprises & Innocence Distribution:Anya's and mine. Eventually. Mine is: http://members.aol.com/treycash/ff3.html Feedback: Yes, please! Summary: Buffy deals with the fact that Angel plans to destroy her mind before he kills her. AUTHOR's NOTE: This takes place after "Phases" but relates to "Suprise" and "Innocence". It steps outside of the time-stream after that in a desperate attempt to save itelf from getting "Jossed" by the next upcoming episode. God save us all. ADDITIONAL NOTES: The Joshua I make reference to is of the Watchers' Society. He was in my previous piece "Where Do the Children Play" and has a more active part as a Guardian in another that I am working on. His job is to ensure that time and life don't mess with the Slayer too badly and to make sure that some punches go her way. He has the ability to alter time and change the past and future. DISCLAIMER: Time to jump on the band-wagon. All the great characters seen on BUFFY belong to Joss "Da Man" Whedon. Any you've never seen on the show belong to me. I wouldn't dream of infringing on Joss. *** "Don't your feet get cold in the winter time sky won't snow and the sun won't shine it's hard to tell the night-time from the day You're losing all your highs and lows ain't it funny how the feeling goes away." "We gotta split up." Xander said finally as he moved into the circle formed by Cordelia, Oz and Willow. The latter couple had been hanging out at the Bronze when Xander had run in with the news about Buffy's disappearence. "That's not safe. We're easy pickings for Angel." Willow replied. "We need to stay together." "We're not covering any ground." Xander exclaimed. "How about we go me and Xander and you and Oz?" Cordelia said to Willow. The hacker considered it and then nodded. "That sounds reasonably okay. Oz has a cordless so we can keep in touch," Willow murmured. "Okay..if we find nothing, we meet back here in an hour. If we find anything, we call immediately." "Okay. Good. Great." Xander said, grabbing Cordelia's hand and pulling her towards the cemetary. They walked for what seemed like forever in silence and then she finally spoke, quiet and unusually uncertain, "Did you enjoy it?" "What?" Xander asked, turning to look at her with bewilderment in his eyes. "When you kissed Buffy..was it everything you ever dreamed about? Was it your fantasy come true?" Xander stopped and looked down at his hands, "You want the truth? It was amazing but you wanna know something else? It was wrong. I could feel it. She could feel it. We both wanted to be with other people. That simple, Cordy." "You kissed her. You can't tell me that didn't mean anything. You've been jonesing for her..well...since she came to Sunnydale. Are you saying you're over her?" "I dunno. I guess so. I mean, it was great..it really was but there was no passion behind it so no, it wasn't everything I'd ever dreamed of. She wanted me to be Angel." "And you?" He chuckled, "God help me, Cordy...I wanted her to be you." He shook his head. "Are we done? Because Buffy needs us." "Yeah," she murmured. "Let's go save the Slayers' butt..." "You're too late," a voice growled from above them. They both looked up to see Angel crouched in a tree wearing his game face and grinning wildly. "What did you do to her?" Xander yelled. "If you hurt her, I'll kill you, I swear." Angel laughed, "Poor deluded bastard, aren't you, Harris?" He stretched his arms and leaned back against the tree. "Oh don't worry..I didn't kill her. I won't let her take all the fun out of my game. It's not allowed." Then he smirked, "You two on the other-hand are un-neccesary playing pieces." Xander was barely listening to him. He'd spotted Buffy lying face-down in the dirt about fifteen feet away. He looked up at Cordelia and swallowed hard. She gave him a wild-eyed look and then grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the unconsious Slayer. Xander fell to his knees, pressing his ear to her chest, begging with any divine entity willing to listen that he hear a heartbeat. Unable to do anything else but watch in desperation and with a growing sense of dread, Cordelia called for back-up. "Will you tell us when to live Will you tell us when to die?" "Are you okay?" Oz asked quietly as he folded up his phone and placed it into his backpack. He moved forward a couple steps so that he could look into Willow's eyes. She tried to smile. Tried to be brave. He knew better. And she knew better. Finally she shook her head in the negative and whispered, "I'm scared. I...I can't lose any of you.." "No one is dying tonight, okay. The monkey men from Mars are protecting us." He looked at her with such mock seriousness that try as she might, she couldn't keep a straight face. "Good," he said softly. "Because I'll kill anyone who makes you stop smiling myself." And then he reached out and took her hand. "These foolish games are tearing me apart Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart You're breaking my heart" Angel watched, the grin never fading from his face. He'd let them check Buffy out and try to rouse her and then when they failed, he'd kill them and leave their corpses for the Slayer to discover when she did come around. It'd been all planned so perfectly. Well kinda..acutually luck had just been on his side that night. So damn many lucky things. The Slayer was mentality weak from his game and she'd made herself even more-so by kissing Xander..which had messed with her head. Such fun although he hadn't been all that fond of the flash of well..what the hell was it..jealousy? that had twisted its' way through him when he'd watched them kiss. It was alright though because she'd freaked out and thrown a fit in her room, breaking pictures and throwing furniture and then she'd run out into the woods to face him. Surely she'd known that in her state, she didn't stand a chance. But that wasn't the only lucky thing. While he'd been watching Buffy's house, he'd seen a home doctor go the lady next door and give her sedatives. A hunch had told him that the good doctor's medical bag could come in useful and he had been powerfully hungry. So the good doctor was no more and Buffy was tanked on tranks. Well okay it hadn't been that easy. She'd put up a better fight then he'd expected but the damage he'd done earlier had taken it's toll on her and she wasn't fighting with adrenlyn to ease the pain, she was fighting out of raw emotion which only made everything worse. She'd been on a hysterical high and it hadn't taken much to make her crumble to her knees, holding herself. She'd been hurting and yet she'd known that he had no intention of killing her so she hadn't reacted when he'd wrapped an arm around her torso and ran a hand over her face. Well she had flinched away then but that was okay. When she was one of the undead, he reasoned, she wouldn't want to flinch away. When he'd put the needle into her neck, she'd barely moved. She'd glanced up at him with tears in her eyes and then collapsed..perhaps even welcoming the darkness. Now he watched as Xander and Cordelia turned her over and did a quick cursory examination of her body. Physically speaking, she was bruised up but no more than she usually was. "Buffy? Wake up..come on?" Xander pleaded, slapping her face. He looked up at Angel with hatred in his eyes and then looked back down at Buffy. "Come on." Angel jumped down from the tree and started to walk towards them. He growled and then grinned. "This will be a good dinner. I've always wanted to kill you, Xander. Now I can." "Over my dead body," Cordelia yelled. Xander looked at her with wide eyes, "What the hell are you doing?" "I don't know," she squeaked, grabbing his arm and pushing him in front. "Momentary insanity?" "Right," Xander replied, trying to joke away the fear that was gripping up. He dropped Buffy to the ground and stood to face Angel. "I'm gonna die like a man you son of a bitch. You'll get no pleasure from me." "Oh yeah..I will. If not from you..then from Buffy. Her screams when she wakes up to find your blood splattered all over the ground will make me laugh until hell freezes over, little boy." "Not tonight you won't, Angel." Buffy murmured, standing up on shaky legs. She shuddered and tried to build herself up but she looked like the small, scared child she was instead of the strong, powerful Slayer she had the capacity to be. She could feel the drugs working through her body, making everything numb and sluggish. If she'd been a normal girl, she'd still be unconsious but she wasn't normal by any stretch of any imagination. Angel chuckled, "You really think you could fight me, Buffy?" "No, I know I can't. I just need to fight you long enough to get them away from you. After that I don't care," she replied wearily. She looked at Xander and Cordelia. "Go. Get out of here." "We're not leaving you," Cordelia said. She looked at Xander, "We're not." "No, we're not. We're in this together." Xander added. "Aw..ain't that sweet..it's the damn Walton family. Your friends are as stupid as you, Buffy.. you acutually look vaguely bright next to them." Buffy looked at her friends, "This isn't a request, guys..go!" "And we weren't asking for your permission. We're not leaving you." Xander shot back, his hand reaching out and grasping Cordelia's. He noted with some degree of shock that it was shaking so he squeezed it harder. She tried to look at them with stone in her expression but upon seeing the determination in their faces, hers' softened and she said quietly, "Please..I don't want to lose you. I can't fight him...you need to go while I can still hold him off." Angel laughed. He seemed to be finding the whole scene amusing. "As if you can. Don't fool yourself, Buffy..if I want them..they're mine." "I'll make you kill me first." She shot back knowing full well that it would enrage him. He growled at her and barred his fangs. She didn't react. "Please..Xander..get her out of here." "Um, hello..I can walk myself and I'm not going anywhere." Cordelia replied, shaking her head in irritation. "Buffy!" Willow's voice called out from the sidewalk behind the bushes. Buffy looked up in horrified shock and shook her head. "No, Will...get the hell out of here.." "Buffy, watch out!" Xander screamed as Angel lunged and knocked the distracted Slayer to the ground. Xander looked around desperately for anything to use as a weapon. "You're breaking the rules, Buffy." Angel growled, slamming her to dirt and wrapping a hand around her throat in a vise like grip. She gasped for air and looked up at her former lover in panic. There was no hatred there, just fear. "I oughta kill you for that." "Not today you won't," Xander growled, thrusting a metal hair-clip into Angels' side. The vampire howled in pain and fell away from Buffy, grasping at the bloody wound. He looked at Xander with pure animal lust and absoloute hatred. "What the hell was that?" Oz asked, eyes fixed to the blood gushing out of Angel's side. "My three hundred dollar hair-clip," Cordelia muttered. The others all threw her looks of dismay so she quickly added, "Not that I mind, I mean but daddy's gonna go postal. He already thinks that..never mind." Her eyes widened in shock as Angel stood up to his full height looking really, really pissed off and staring right at Xander. "Your life is forfeit, boy." Angel growled. He stared at each of the faces watching him and then he grinned. "But that will be another day. Today, I make you all suffer." In what couldn't have amounted to more than second, he lunged forward and grabbed Cordelia by the collar of her jacket and slammed the stunned girl to the ground. He wasted no time in barring his teeth and shoving them up against her throat. She screamed and kicked but he swallowed the pain. And then he pressed his fangs into her jugular. She saw swirling darkness rush towards her and a tear found it's way down her cheek. And then all she saw was dust. "Oh my God.." Xander breathed, his eyes moving over to where the gasping Slayer stood shakily above Cordelia, a cloud of dust raining around her. Buffy locked eyes with him and then she fell to the ground, coughing and gasping for the air that he had deprived her. Willow jerked forward, followed by Oz. She fell to her knees next to Buffy, "Are you okay?" "I..killed..oh God it...hurts..." Buffy gasped out. She looked up at Xander, "What..what..did..." "You saved my life," Cordelia whispered, taking Xander's offered hand and standing up. Xander looked at her with worry in his eyes so she smiled reassuringly even though all she wanted to do was curl up and collapse. Almost absently, she touched her neck where Angel had just pierced her skin. Still bothered but reasonably sure that she was okay, Xander dropped down beside Buffy. "It's okay, Buffy...it's gonna be okay." Xander promised. "We need to get you into bed. We can all shack up at my place for the night..my folks are in Vegas.Your mom would flip if she saw you in this condition." "Xander.." "No objections." "Right," she murmured, her head falling backwards and the drugs catching up. "Okay..not now." And with that her eyes slid shut and she fell into a dead faint in Willow's arms. Xander looked at Oz,"If you'll be so kind as to help me.." "Age to age You're still the same by the power of the name" "I can't believe I'm taking Buffy to bed," Xander muttered as he carried Buffy in his arms up the stairs in his house to his room. Cordelia rolled her eyes and bit back on the retort that had rushed to the surface. They had already dealt with that. Chances were that his comment was no more than just an annoying guy thing. Oz held the door open and watched as Xander and Willow patted and poked the pillows and sheets of the bed to make it just right for Buffy. Xander placed her on it and pulled the covers over her. Then he jerked his head to the others and they left the room with Cordelia flipping off the light. They descended the stairs slowly, each wrapped in their own thoughts. It was Willow who broke the silence, "This is gonna be bad." "We'll be here for her," Xander insisted. He laughed bitterly, "I'm not sure it'll be enough but we'll give her what we got and do what we can." "She'll make it through this," Cordelia said softly. "She's the Slayer." "No," Willow said, "She's Buffy and that's what will help us all through this. She won't give up." "And neither will we," Oz added in, still wondering how the hell he'd managed to get wrapped up in the middle of all the insanity. "Now the Valley cried with anger, mount your horses, draw your swords And they killed the mountain people so they won their just reward" "Hi. How ya feeling?" Xander asked, moving to sit next to her. He offered her a hand and helped her prop herself up on the overstuffed pillows. "Like I got hit by a truck with ACME written on the side of it. My head is ringing." Buffy moaned. "Here," he chuckled, offering her two white aspirin and a glass of water. "This should help somewhat." "Thanks." She took them, swallowed, drank and then gazed down at her hands. Then she looked up at him and he saw tears in her eyes, "Xander.." "Hey..don't..it's okay..." "No..it's not. Xander, I'm sorry...I don't know what happened. It was like I snapped. I thought I could make it all better..that if I could feel like I did with him..with you...then I could make all the pain go away." "It's okay," he insisted. "But it just made it worse. I made it worse." "You love him." Xander said softly. "It's that simple." "I..I..." He smiled, "Listen to me..no hard feelings. I won't allow it. Not while you're under my roof and eating my microwaved cooking. While you're here, you're cheery Buffy and we'll play all sorts of games and always smile..you understand?" "You're so good to me." "That wasn't the reply I was looking for. I wanted 'yes...how about Twister?'..okay? So let's hear it?" Instead she began to cry. His eyes widened in alarm. "No, don't...I'm sorry..I didn't mean..I just..." "I miss him..." she said between wracking sobs. "I'm never..oh God..." He wanted to tell her that she still had her memories but he doubted that it would do her any good. He too felt like he'd buried a friend that night. He watched her shake for a moment and then he moved forward and pulled her into his arms. He tucked her under his chin and pulled her against his chest and began to rock her, closing his eyes as he did so. "There's so many things you should have told her but night after night you're willing to hold her just hold her tears on your shoulder" Cordelia entered the room, holding the cordless phone in her hand. She stopped when she saw the way Xander rocked Buffy. Lifting the phone to her ear she said, "I'll have him call you when he gets out of the shower." She clicked the power button and then settled against the door frame to watch. "Talk to me- tell me your dreams Am I in them? Tell me your fears Are you scared? Tell me your stories I'm not afraid of who you are" She could hear her mother talking to Doctor Jacobs in the hallway. Asking if she'd be okay and begging to know why her daughter was so sick. She couldn't possibly understand. Buffy settled back against her pillows, her eyes as always focused on the window as if he might climb through it at any minute and lay next to her. As if he might press his lips to her feverish forehead and make it hot with passion instead. But that wasn't going to happen. By her hand he had fallen. Not the greatest and possibly only love of her live but as a vampire. Savage and blood-thirsty and in a rain of damning dust that had scattered in the wind. He remained in her dreams. Always there. In slow motion and colorless..like a nightmare from the days before movies had color. His expression of suprise and horror trapped in her mind forever. She had killed him. To hell with the reality that in doing so she'd saved Cordelia's life. She'd had no choice and that was true too and she knew she'd do it again but all of those were just bitter reminders of the fact that he would never again hold her. When he'd been stabbed by Xander in the side, his blood had quickly seeped down the edges of his shirt and on to hers and now that shirt was the only tangible proof of the past. All she had left was the liquid that had condemned him to hell..a vampires' blood. She laughed at herself, angry at her own inability to make it all make sense. She wanted it to stop hurting but it wouldn't. Couldn't. She closed her eyes and tried to find the light where sometimes he existed before the nightmares began. He would smile at her from there and she would try to make it mean something but clarity never came before the horror. "I love you," he whispered. She reached out to him and felt nothing but the air of a fading dream and yet his voice echoed strongly in her head. "Angel." "I'm here," his calm, soothing voice whispered. "I need you." "Open your eyes, Buffy." "I don't want to leave you. Don't make me. I can't live without you. I don't want to." "You don't have to." Buffy blinked and allowed her eyes to open, not wanting to see the harsh light that was reality. What she saw instead shoved her back into the whirling darkness that was unconsiousness. He waited for her, hand cupping her cheek. He knew he should have run as far as he could. Been grateful for the renewed life that had been granted him but he also knew that without her..it wasn't life. "Angel?" she whispered, stirring, certain that it was a dream that would shake her to tears within moments. "Right here. Always here." She opened her eyes wide and stared up at him, "It can't be..I know better..I..I know..I saw...why are you doing this?" "It is me, Buffy...you gave me another chance. You set me free," Angel told her softly, leaning forward to hold her. She tried to resist initially but found that she lacked the strength. "It's all a game.." she whispered. "I don't want to play anymore." He winced at the mention of the torment his body had caused her. His voice, his touch..they had all tainted the love they shared for each other. "No game, Buffy...I am here. Me..Angel...Angelus is no more. You killed him." Scared to believe but unable to stop herself from hoping, she looked up at him with wide eyes full of pain, "How..I don't..." "The Guardians made me live." "The Guardians?" Buffy repeated. "Joshua?" "Yeah..he's got a special affection for you, Buffy. When you gave up our love..your soul.. in order to save a friend...you bought back my soul. I watched you kill Angelus and destroy the demon. None of it makes sense..not even to me but what does is that I'm here. I'm here." "Are you human?" He gave her a sad smile, "Only in heart and soul. My body would have been destroyed if it were human. But the curse that binds my soul is permanent...I can't lose it. I can't lose you." Buffy lowered her head. She wanted to say something...nothing made sense..even in her head. Finally she looked up at him with tears glinting in her eyes, "Hold me." - -FIN........FEEDBACK PLEASE!!! I don't know who wrote the song that the title of this story is taken from. My apologies to the artist. Lyrics taken from: 1. Desperado...Eagles 2. Bad Moon Rising...Creedence Clearwater Revival 3. Free Fallin'...Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers 4. Lean On Me...Bill Withers 5. Lean On Me...Bill Withers 6. New Kid in Town...Eagles 7. Life in the Fast Lane...Eagles 8. Hotel California...Eagles 9. American Pie...Don McLean 10.It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday...Boyz II Men 11.Rocky Mountain High...John Denver 12.Desperado...Eagles 13.Where Do the Children Play?...Cat Stevens 14.Foolish Games...Jewel 15.El Shaddai...Amy Grant 16.One Tin Soldier...Dennis Lambert and Brian Potter 17.New Kid in Town...Eagles 18.Justify My Love...Madonna - - ------------------------------ End of Buffyfic-digest V2 #24 ***************************** To subscribe to buffyfic or buffyfic-digest, send the command subscribe buffyfic-digest or subscribe buffyfic to majordomo@xmission.com. You will need to go through a confirmation process, and the listowners have to manually approve your subscription request, so it may take some time. 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