From: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com (buffyfic-digest) To: buffyfic-digest@lists.xmission.com Subject: buffyfic-digest V2 #104 Reply-To: $SENDER Sender: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Errors-To: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Precedence: bulk buffyfic-digest Tuesday, April 7 1998 Volume 02 : Number 104 In this issue: BUFFYFIC: Fallen (1/?) See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 19:22:31 -0400 From: "Kirstin" Subject: BUFFYFIC: Fallen (1/?) title: Fallen (1/1) rating: strictly G or PG here. nothing anybody can't read. disclaimer: these characters are joss's, the wb's, mutant enemy's, anyone else who has a valid claim that i don't know about's property. they aren't mine. neither is the stuff from Gone . . ., Anya's story, which this is a sequel to. the ideas here, however, are mine. please don't steal them distribution: ask and ye shall receive. feedback: pretty please with a cherry on top. comments: mad props and thanks to all of the people who beta-read for me and sent me nice comments last time i sent this. Leslie, Taygeta, Michelle, Divine1798, and hjrobert, you are the best humans ever! i adore you! well, that's the cookies talkin', but you rock! :) There is no statute of limitations on forever, she told herself. You told him you love him. You have to honor that. But it was getting harder. So much had changed, in the month since he had left, in the weeks since she had. Things were completely different; she was completely different. And maybe somewhere inside she would always love him, but a different kind of love than she used to think. She had grown up with him, no matter how far apart they were, they would always be best friends. But she was beginning to see that distance really did matter, and that it wouldn't mean that she loved him less, if she let herself love someone else more. Buffy. How could she do this to Buffy? That was a completely different issue. She knew that Xander had never loved her the way she loved him. She wasn't betraying him. But she was betraying Buffy. In such a short time, the girls had grown so close. Buffy had opened her eyes, shown her things that she never knew existed. Willow had grown up a lot through their friendship, but she had grown even more when it ended. There was no way she could justify this. It was nothing but betrayal. Even though Angel and Buffy had never let themselves get too close, Willow knew that Buffy was in love. How could she do that to her best friend, even if Buffy and Angel would never see each other again? How could she ignore what she knew was right? But maybe Buffy and Angel weren't meant to be, Willow thought. After all, isn't he everything she is fighting against? It never would have worked out in the long run. They couldn't have had a future. A vampire and the slayer, that's practically the definition of star-crossed. Willow, on the other hand, knew exactly what Angel went through. She knew the bloodlust, and the guilt after. She knew what it was to be everything that she hated in the world, and together maybe they could make things work out. Maybe they did have a chance . . . Angel doesn't even want me, Willow decided. There is no way we have a chance. Just because I decided to be an awful person and turn against all of my friends doesn't mean that he has. He loves Buffy. I am just a friend. He wouldn't even have come with me, but he probably wanted to watch me in case I went full out vamp. Giles just made him come along to stake me if I started any problems. That's all it is. But when he looks at me now, it's different. Softer. It's like he has noticed that I'm changing too. I'm not the girl I used to be. I feel older, a lot less naive. And when I see myself, what little of myself I can still see in the mirror, I look different too. There's something there that wasn't there before. And I like it. I think I'm finally starting to see myself as beautiful. And someday maybe I'll find someone to love me like I love him . . . maybe someday Angel might fall in love with me, like I'm falling in love with him. ***** This hadn't just started. It wasn't like he woke up last week and thought, hmm, maybe Willow. And it wasn't just because Buffy was gone, or because Willow was a vampire. There was more to it. In a way, it had always been there. He and Willow had always gotten along. She was the one to stick up for him. And she had always been beautiful. That was definite. But there was something new. Something in the way that she carried herself, something behind her eyes. She looked older, wiser, and a little more sure of herself. In the middle of all of her problems, she had really grown up and found herself. Willow could always make the best of a bad situation. She was smart, and fun, and he loved being around her. He had always known that, too. What he hadn't always known though, what he was beginning to discover, was that he was falling in love with her, with Willow. If he really thought about it, he had probably started to notice sometime just before Buffy and Xander had gone on their respective vacations. He, Willow, Giles, Jenny, and Cordelia had thrown a makeshift goodbye party for the departing Slayer and Slayerette. He remembered one point in the evening when he was alone with Willow, setting up for the party. They were getting out the cake, setting up plates and glasses, the usual pre-party fare. At some point in their stream of idle conversation, Willow said something that made him take notice. "I can't believe they're going to be gone for so long! Xander is leaving tomorrow, and Buffy just a few days after. I guess I'll get good at doing research, since I'll be all alone for a month, I can catch up on my prophecies or something. Bye-bye hanging out and having fun," Willow said sadly. "Don't worry Willow; I promise a lot of hanging out and having fun this summer. As long as 241 year old dead guys are your style," Angel answered with a laugh. "I guess that could be included in my definition of fun," she said, brightening up. "Maybe we could go Bronzing sometimes?" she asked hopefully. "Sure," he answered, "I'd love to dance with you." I wonder if she saw then what I saw, Angel thought. I wonder if the same forbidden thoughts were running through her mind then, and later. We spent so much time together. By day, she was Giles' research girl, but at night, she was mine. Did she feel it too? When we did the rounds at night, did the same feelings tug at her soul as tugged at mine? I just wanted to be with her, all the time. She had to know. God, I was so obvious sometimes! I acted like a sixteen-year-old, not a 241-year vampire. It's a good thing that vampires don't sweat. She would have noticed my damp palms dancing at the Bronze. I love holding her close like that, her tiny body folded into mine. It was all I could do not to kiss her then, even before everything happened and I knew I would never see Buffy again. Even if this had never happened, I would have had to end things with Buffy when she got back. I wouldn't have approached Willow, I couldn't put that strain on their friendship, but I also couldn't allow myself to lead Buffy on like that. I knew even then that she wasn't the one I loved. When Willow didn't answer my call the night they got her, I was trapped in fear. I ran through the city, looking everywhere I thought she might be. Finally, I reached the Anointed One's lair. I remember her, lying on the ground. She was passed out, sick. She was so cold when I picked her up. What if she had been dead? Well, in a way, she was dead. The fear raced through me. Thank god Giles was home when I got there. He found a pulse, a quiet low pulse. So we waited. I think he might have known how I feel about her. He could see it. I know that there is nothing for her in Europe. There are no Rom to cure her. She is what she is forever. I think Giles knows that too, but neither of us could tell Willow. This is her last hope. Maybe there is something there though, something that will reassure her, even if it won't cure her. She has a lot of fighting to do. Together though, I know we can get through it. I can help her control her urges, and she can help me with mine. We're good for each other. Sunnydale was bad for both of us. That's why I filled her head with hopes of an anchor for her soul. In Sunnydale, she would have driven a stake into her heart eventually, or forced Buffy to do it for her. She couldn't have handled being what she was, a Slayerette who should have been one of the slain. Giles and I knew that to keep her alive, we had to keep her away from home. And so we're going to Europe. We're going together. I hope that someday, we can truly be together. Maybe someday Willow might fall in love with me, like I've fallen in love with her. - - ------------------------------ End of buffyfic-digest V2 #104 ****************************** To subscribe to buffyfic or buffyfic-digest, send the command subscribe buffyfic-digest or subscribe buffy to majordomo@xmission.com. You will need to go through a confirmation process, and the listowners have to manually approve your subscription request, so it may take some time. To unsubscribe, send email to majordomo@xmission.com with unsubscribe buffyfic-digest or unsubscribe buffyfic in the body. Back issues of this digest can be found at: ftp://ftp.xmission.com/pub/lists/buffyfic/archive/ For help, contact Jill Kirby (jtkirby@mcs.com) or sah (romana@mindspring.com)