Hi All, As you may know, we have a panel of people who asnwer questions=
on our website. I have always meant to send them to the list, but just have=
n't been organized. I will try to remember from now on. These will soon be p=
ublished on the website for our new non-profit "Positive Discipline Associat=
ion" -- when the website is done. Jane Nelsen
BITING SISTER=
Question:
I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter who bites, pinc=
hes, and pushes her 8 month old sister.&nb=
sp; Often she does this in front of me and often she starts by trying=
to look like she just wants to hug her.&n=
bsp; The other day she bit her sister's foot while I was holding the=20=
baby. It seems to be escalati=
ng and it is very stressful for all of us.=
I find myself warning her to be careful as soon as she approac=
hes the baby. It is clear tha=
t she wants attention (when company is over, she is worse). We have tried making her go to the hallway wh=
en she hurts her sister but it doesn't seem to stop the behaviour. I think we may talk to much and=20=
not act enough but I am not sure what the action should be. Thank-you.
Answer:<=
/o:p>
Dear Parent,
My name is Jody McVitti=
e and I am part of the team that answers qu=
estions for the website. I am=
also a parent of three teens and a family physician. I do remember this kind of episode with my own chil=
dren. I didn=E2=80=99t know anything about Positive Discipline at the time b=
ut here is what I wish I had known.
- Help your daughter by telling her what to do<=
/B> instead of what not to do. Three and one half year olds can be very inte=
nse young people. They don=E2=80=99t have their feelings and thoughts well s=
orted but they do have lots of energy. I think your observation that it look=
s as if your daughter wants to hug=E2=80=A6but ends up biting is very astute=
and probably accurate. My guess is what she is really aiming for is a sense=
of connection=E2=80=A6but she hasn=E2=80=99t really mastered getting the re=
sult she wants. As your daugh=
ter approaches her sister, calmly remind her to be =E2=80=9Csoft and gentle=
=E2=80=9D with her touch. It will not be successful right away. But over time she=E2=80=99ll get the me=
ssage. When she makes (anothe=
r) mistake, don=E2=80=99t over react. =
; Put the baby down for a second.&n=
bsp; Give your older daughter a hug (=E2=80=9CThis is what soft and g=
entle feels like=E2=80=9D). Then ask her to go get a book to read or somethi=
ng you can do with her while you are also holding the baby as you pick the b=
aby back up and comfort her. You can say the same words to the little one:=20=
=E2=80=9CThis is what soft and gentle feels like.=E2=80=9D One of my children went through a =E2=80=9Cbit=
ing stage=E2=80=9D at about that age too. He would come up and look like he=20=
was going to give me a hug and I would end up with bite marks on my thigh. I=
began to notice a reflex to pull back from him! I also realized that he didn=E2=80=99t really mean to hu=
rt me; he just had lots of energy to connect and didn=E2=80=99t know how to=20=
express it. I changed my beha=
vior and would get down to his level and open my arms and say, =E2=80=9CHug,=
soft and gentle,=E2=80=9D as he rushed toward me. Gradually (not overnight)=
he learned to channel all that energy into a hug that was easier for me to=20=
receive than the bite. (But they were intense little hugs!)
- Let her know that it is normal to have mixed fee=
lings when you get a younger sister (or brother). At a time when you are pla=
ying together or having quiet time together let your older daughter know how=
much you love her. Let her know that you notice that sometimes it is hard f=
or her to have a sister in the house. Invite her to share what she is feelin=
g. If you have memories of having mixed feelings of a younger sibling coming=
into the house that you can share that. If you don=E2=80=99t have experienc=
es to share, maybe another adult she trusts does. If not, there are lots of=20=
books for children on this subject that you could check out of the library.=20=
I particularly like the ones by Mr. Rogers because he is so honest about bot=
h the positive and negative feelings. All feelings are ok. What children need to learn is how to be angry=
without hurting others.
- Resist all temptation to label her as a bully an=
d the younger one as the victim. Discipline is about teaching, not punishing. Your job is to teach your d=
aughter how to learn to notice her feelings (if indeed she is angry or jealo=
us) and to help her find ways of handling them. Here are some ideas:&nb=
sp; After you have hugged both children (see #1 above) you could:
=
Say (to the oldest), it se=
ems like you might think that you aren=E2=80=99t getting enough attention. I=
f you need to snuggle too, say, =E2=80=9CCan I have a hug?=E2=80=9D
=
Ask (the oldest), =E2=80=
=9CAre you feeling left out? =
What could we do together while I feed your sister (snuggle with your sister=
etc)?=E2=80=9D
=
Say to the oldest. =E2=80=
=9CIt seems like you need some special time too. When (your young one) takes=
her nap, what would you like to do with me?=E2=80=9D
- Prevention: Notice that this will happen when yo=
ur older daughter has the (mistaken) belief that I don=E2=80=99t belong or a=
m not significant. You can=
=E2=80=99t make her feel belonging or significance, but you can invit=
e those feelings by making sure that she has opportunities to contribute. (S=
he could set the table, help pick menus, take special responsibility for pet=
s, help cook, chose songs to sing to the baby etc.) You can make sure that she does have special time wit=
h you.
- Another prevention tool would be to talk to your=
daughter about ways she can be included when you are holding the little one=
. At a time when the two of y=
ou are alone, you could brainstorm activities to do together and make a list=
. Put the list and the supplies in a special bag or box. When you are holdin=
g the young one, invite the older one to go get the bag/box and pick an acti=
vity. Almost 4 year olds can=20=
engage easily in a puzzle, reading a book, listening and singing along with=20=
a tape (or without a tape), playing =E2=80=9CI spy with my little eye,=E2=
=80=9D =E2=80=9Cteaching=E2=80=9D the baby facial expressions (which is anot=
her way to teach the older one about feelings), etc.
- Lastly, make sure you take time to take care of=20=
yourself. Having two children at home under the age of 4 is a lot of work. Y=
ou will have more compassion, patience and be able to set limits clearly wit=
h kindness when you are at your best. =
; Be kind to yourself and enlist the help if others if needed to make=
sure that you have some moments to be kind to yourself.
Best wishes,
Jody McVittie
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